Recently I was guided to a web article listing the 10 Things Every Single Girl Needs and the 10 Things Every Single Guy Needs. I’ve decided to post these, with my personal comments.
UPDATE: My friend Jon (male and straight) has weighed in with his comments on the list. Now my comments are in pink, and his are in blue.
What Every Single Girl Needs
1. A fabulous photo of yourself. I agree… I want to have a photo that when I’m eighty, I can show my grandkids to prove that once upon a time, I was, as the article states, “a total dish.” Something that says gently whispers, “No big deal, just an old modeling headshot.”
2. A pretty pair of heels. Or 20. The higher the heel, the sexier the leg.
3. An Eminem cd. WTF? No. This article says a guy is going to panic if he sees all girl bands in my cd collection, and Eminem shows I have an open mind and am not easily offended. I say, WTF. First of all, I do not have a cd collection. Secondly, Eminem sucks. There is something ridiculously sexy about an educated, successful, independent single woman screaming “I just don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuck!”
4. A great pickup line…and a way to blow them off. I do not need to use pickup lines, thankyouverymuch. Oh, and I don’t put too much thought/energy into blowing pickup lines off. Ladies, you don’t need a line. Just be yourself and let the cards fall where they may. Guys are always, and I mean always on the prowl. Just sit back relax with your girls and let him come to you. If he is attracted to you, you’ll know. If not, you’ll know.
5. A 6-pack of decent bottled beer. Agreed. Especially seasonal ale.
6. Bathroom reading. My thought is this is for non-single girls. Because bathroom reading is for poo-ing, and if you’re single, hopefully strange men aren’t poo-ing in your bathroom. Grotius Maximus. We don’t want to picture you doing a number tewskie on the pot flippin’ through your Vogue. We all know girls don’t go number two until you’ve been dating a year.
7. A business card. Holler. With cell phone number handwritten on the back. I’ve totes done this..it’s empowering.
8. Earplugs. Um, no. As long as they aren’t’ used and lying on your nightstand.
9. A straight male friend on speed dial. Absofuckinglutely. There is no better person to turn to for advice on guys/relationships/dating than a straight male friend who knows you and your crazy well. If you have a straight male friend on speed dial and you are not f%$#ing him, he is not straight.
10. A condom. WORD! If you want to be sure about safety, buy it yourself, ladies. Screams slut. But responsible slut nonetheless. Ugh, sexism- a guy can carry a condom in his wallet but a girl can’t have a few hidden in a sparkly decorative jar? Come on now.
What Every Single Guy Needs
1. A top-notch coffee/espresso maker. Although this is wonderful, I’m not sure it’s necessary. A regular coffee maker will do, or, even better, a guy who offers to run out to Starbucks or the corner shop in the morning. Nothing better than an espresso to start off the day. Plus what girl isn’t impressed by a guy with a stainless steel espresso maker and even better, knows how to use it.
2. A lamp in your bedroom. Yes, nothing is worse than sleeping in a cave. Obvi… Need light to read, hence the leather-bound collection of British literature adorning your cherry wood bookshelf.
3. Swiffer sweeper + Swiffer cloths + Swiffer wet cloths. As the article states, “For her, walking across your floor barefoot should not be an exercise in muck tolerance…the Swiffer will make quick work of your bathroom floor, a necessity if you ever want her to visit again.” Not a necessity, but a clean bathroom goes a long way. And a dirty one…nights over.
4. A comfortable couch. Agreed. With a comfortable throw to keep your lady friend (or grandpa) warm.
5. Nice underwear. Oh God, yes. Nothing is more of a turn-off than a guy who removes his pants only to show tighty whities, cartoon characters, or holes. Nice=zestfully clean. Presentation is everything. A spray of cologne is always a nice touch. I recommend a sweet scent such as John Paul Gautier or Joop!, or Mambo by Liz Claiborne. (Chicks love it)
6. A key-ring that can fix, cut, open anything. Helpful in any situation, and will make girls feel like you are a manly man. With this tool, girls will think you could protect them in the woods of Montana and also assemble a book shelf in their DC apartment. Always a good idea. Lets the girl know you’re ready for anything and can save her life, fix her faucet, or open her beer at a moments notice.
7. $150+ jeans. The price isn’t important, but the sentiment is there. A good pair of jeans- Sevens, Citizens, Diesel, anything- is def a great idea. They’ll make a guy look hot, and also like he cares about his appearance. A truly wonderful investment. Check Filene’s, Loehmann’s, Nordstrom Rack or OFF 5th if you need a nice pair but are not exactly rolling in cash. Price is irrelevant. Three things to remember. Make sure the jeans are not full of holes (unless you are a FAMOUS musician), tapered at the bottom, or whitewashed. Remember, presentation is everything.
8. $200+ dress shoes. Let’s not be silly, here. Just own a pair of dress shoes and I’ll be happy. The shoes have to match the clothes. If you’re wearing a sophisticated suit, you’d better not be wearing black trendy sneakers. You don’t need $200 + Bostonians. Hint: DSW
9. 300-Thread Count Cotton Sheets. Ughhh.. I hate that guys do not care about their bed linens. Nice, comfortable sheets- and a comforter that is less than 8 years old- go a long way. You’ll feel more comfortable in your bed, and guests of your bed will want to hang around longer. Thread count is key. 300 may not even be enough, but it is a starting point. Add a feather-bed topper and a hypo-allergenic down comforter. Game. Set. Match. Time for an espresso.
10. “The Joy of Cooking“. Why don’t guys get it that making a homemade dinner for a girl is the quickest way into her pants? Romance + effort + food= what more can a girl want? If you can make her howl over your sautéed shrimp and moan with splash of crème Brulee…go ahead top it off with a nice white wine. Again, game, set, match. Time to call your friends and debrief over an espresso. (Your second, you had one with her before you drove her home.)