About all things awesome.

How to Lose Your Dignity: Jarred Cheese November 18, 2008

Filed under: Booze,People Mallori Hates,Rants — mallori612 @ 7:13 pm

I am a healthy eater.  I dislike sweets, and cook meals full of proteins and veggies.  Workplace snacks usually consist of 100-calorie bags of popcorn, and if I’m hungry post-dinner, I eat some cheese and crackers.  I don’t do fast food and I rarely drink soda.  Once in a while, I indulge in something particularly unhealthy but I always manage to keep it to a minimum.  Unless I am drunk, because then I am helpless.

tostitosqueso1I think there is a sliding scale of acceptable drunk snacking.  It depends largely upon the amount of drunkeness, and the surroundings.  Tipsy and at home is safe, because usually it just means I’m too lazy to put something together and I end up with crackers and water.  Slightly drunk and out is not so bad because it means pretzels at the store, or most often, planning what to snack on in the cab ride home and talking myself into just going to bed.  Absolutely hammered and home just means I’m going to pass out with some water and Advil; or maybe if I’m committed, I’ll warm up a couple pizza bagels or the frozen mac & cheese that has been in my freezer for 6 months.  Still, though, not too bad.  But then there are the times when I’m out and somehow or another, I’ve gotten ridiculously wasted. 

When this happens, all I want is chips and dip.  It is a mission.  In Chicago, I verbally (and almost physically) accosted a convenience store cashier at 2am because of the store’s lack of dip.  Chips and dip are a package.  Stores should not be allowed to carry one without the other.  It is rude and disrespectful to me, and dip producers when stores only carry chips.  CVS does this, and I always forget until I am drunk-eyed, pacing the aisles looking for some french-onion or ranch to complement my Munchos (mmm..they taste like delicious, salty, greasy styrofoam). 

After I go through the denial phase at the store, I move on to acceptance and try to find an adequate alternative.  I always settle on tortilla chips and Tortilla’s queso in a jar and it is quite the opposite of a good idea.  It is disgusting; and everytime I eat it, the next morning has me awakened with a gross feeling in my stomach and the knowledge that I probably took a month off of my life with every scoop of queso.  For the following 2 months after the queso, everytime I see neon orange, I will get pangs of guilt and disgust, leading me to hate myself and the Tostito’s company, and all that anger can never be good.


Politics as Usual September 9, 2008

Filed under: DC,News,People Mallori Hates,Rants — mallori612 @ 4:10 pm

I try to avoid writing about politics on this blog because I fear once I start, I won’t be able to stop and nobody will read this anymore.  However, lately I have thought a lot about the issue of “relatability”.  McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin for his VP slot brought this issue to the forefront of my mind, because really the only reason he chose her was because of how she could relate to  the American public.  It’s obvious she is not exactly qualified, having no policy background and limited experience, as well as a questionable record in her state.  She was chosen because she is a working mother, someone the average American knows.

When exactly did being the average person become so important in American politics?  Quite honestly, I do not want the average person to lead the country- I want the best and the brightest.  Sure, being aware of the challenges that face the country’s people matter greatly.  But I don’t think you have to be the average citizen to understand the average citizen’s concerns.  As long as there is an awareness, I think that’s fine.

I’m an average citizen, I suppose, and so is Kerry.  I love Kerry.  She’s a great person, and someone I deem of very high intelligence.  But that doesn’t mean she should be leading the country, in fact I would argue that she shouldn’t (no offense), just like I don’t believe I would be capable of doing so.  Not a chance.  So why then, is the ability for a VP or presidential candidate to relate and be one of the Average Americans so important?  It makes me worried, honestly, because while other countries are being led by those with great intelligence and skill, we are getting excited about a book-banning hockey mom.


Too Drunk to be President May 30, 2008

Filed under: People Mallori Hates — mallori612 @ 7:07 pm


At first glance this looks like Scotch.  However, a campaign spokesperson confirmed it to be bourbon, specifically Makers Mark.  This makes sense as Makers is made in Kentucky, and Scotch is made in small, caucus-holding states that do not count.


Summer Fashion Faux Pas May 28, 2008

Filed under: Fashion,People Mallori Hates,Rants — mallori612 @ 7:35 pm

Summer is fast approaching, and that means disgusting DC weather, more outdoor drinking, weekends in the Hamptons, and really really horrible fashion faux pas.   Here are the top 12 offenses, in no particular order:


1. The staple- socks and sandals.  I mean, seriously, why do people do this?  It’s ridiculous and defeats the point of wearing sandals.  Also, everyone knows this is bad, so when I see it, I am filled with rage because the wearer is obviously oblivious and an idiot.


2. Sweat stains and smells.  Just go to the drugstore, grab some Speedstick and carry it with you at all times.  Your doc will even prescribe some badass stuff if you have medical sweating issues.

3. Man capri’s.  They are stupid. 

4. Unfortunate hats.  It is sunny and hot, and you want to wear a hat; understandable.  There is no reason for a hat that looks like an umbrella.  There is also no reason for an upside-down, backwards visor.  Eric explains that two hat no’s do not make a yes.  They just make me cringe.


5. Tied shirts.  I don’t understand this.  Is your stomach really too hot to be under clothing right now?  I don’t think so.  If women can wear the Chadri in the deserts of southern Afghanistan, I bet you can handle wearing a short-sleeved tee shirt.


6. Speedos.  The only people allowed to wear Speedos are legitimate swimmers, and legitimate Europeans.  To be a legitimate European, your country must be on the euro, you must love football, and you must be able to sing the lyrics of at least one Eurovision winner.

7. Short shorts.  Unless you have the body of Jessica Simpson or a skinny ten year old, these will look bad on you.


8. Bikinis in places there are no bodies of water.  There is no reason to wear a bikini whilst grocery shopping.  It distracts the teenage boys at the checkout counter and slows things down.  Oh, and I bet some moms don’t want their young daughters seeing women prance around in tiny clothing.  One live-action Bratz movie was enough.


9. Guys who pointlessly go shirtless.  Last week I saw a guy running through Dupont Circle sans shirt.  It must have been barely 80 degrees.  I don’t care how banging your body is, save it for the pool, beach, bedroom or frat house. 

10. Farmer tans.  ‘Nuff said.


11. Flag print bikinis.  I’m pretty positive Betsey Ross didn’t sew that first flag so you could copy the image on spandex and wear it across your chest and crotch with a lovely assortment of glitter, sequins, and string bejeweling it. 


12. Lastly, something a certain Oregonian mentioned seeing to me, even before Memorial Day- white pants with improper undergarmets.  The look this creates is just HEINOUS.




Slutty Toys April 1, 2008

Filed under: Pageants,People Mallori Hates,Rants — mallori612 @ 4:49 pm

bratz.jpgOn the list of things I hate in this world, Bratz has been close to the top for years.  I do not understand why slutty dolls make good toys, and I certainly question the parenting abilities of those why buy the dolls for their 6 year old daughters.   But, lo and behold, the powers that be have found an even more sickening product to shill out to young girls- Miss Bimbo. 

I don’t know where to begin… eh, I’ll go with the name. Bimbo, really? When has that word ever had a positive connotation?  Grr, but I’ll move on.  So, whatever, you’re 10 years old and you choose your “bimbo,” whose goal it is to win beauty pageants and social standing.  Great.  Let’s prioritize looks and partying over everything else.  Awesome.  But how do you win?  Well, you compete against other players for virtual money and use it to gain fame and attractiveness.  How, you ask?  Well, you use your money to get into parties, or to purchase new clothes.  Seems shallow, but harmless.  Oh wait.  How about using that money when given the task of going to the virtual clinic to get a boob job?  Or, buying diet pills? Yes, this is seriously part of the game.

I don’t understand why toys need to be slutty.  You want a shopping game- how about Mall Madness?  I loved it even though my character shopped at the Electronics Boutique and the Pet Shop instead of the pharmacy and the cosmetic surgeon’s office.  You want social standing- try DreamPhone.  The internet opens up a world of possibilities, but let’s stick to Tamagachis where kids learn to care for and nurture animals!  SO MUCH BETTER than teaching young girls that all they need is fame, fortune, a boob job and an eating disorder.


Madonna Ruins Everything March 31, 2008

Filed under: People Mallori Hates — mallori612 @ 7:52 pm

casablanca.jpgThere is a rumor going around and it actually made me tear up.  Madonna. Remaking. Casablanca.

I am no movie buff.  I don’t really even like going to the movies or watching movies, all that much.  But I love Casablanca.  The story, the direction, the characters, the scenery, the acting- everything is perfect.  To me, it is the standard on which all other movies are compared.  Even the best modern actors could not re-do this movie and make it anything more than a failure.  You can’t top perfection.  But Madonna? Really?  I’ve never liked her (true story: as a baby, I would bop along to Whitney Houston but stand/sit still for Madonna) but this makes me feel all kinds of stabby.

Please, world, do not let this happen.