Summer is fast approaching, and that means disgusting DC weather, more outdoor drinking, weekends in the Hamptons, and really really horrible fashion faux pas. Here are the top 12 offenses, in no particular order:
1. The staple- socks and sandals. I mean, seriously, why do people do this? It’s ridiculous and defeats the point of wearing sandals. Also, everyone knows this is bad, so when I see it, I am filled with rage because the wearer is obviously oblivious and an idiot.
2. Sweat stains and smells. Just go to the drugstore, grab some Speedstick and carry it with you at all times. Your doc will even prescribe some badass stuff if you have medical sweating issues.
3. Man capri’s. They are stupid.
4. Unfortunate hats. It is sunny and hot, and you want to wear a hat; understandable. There is no reason for a hat that looks like an umbrella. There is also no reason for an upside-down, backwards visor. Eric explains that two hat no’s do not make a yes. They just make me cringe.
5. Tied shirts. I don’t understand this. Is your stomach really too hot to be under clothing right now? I don’t think so. If women can wear the Chadri in the deserts of southern Afghanistan, I bet you can handle wearing a short-sleeved tee shirt.
6. Speedos. The only people allowed to wear Speedos are legitimate swimmers, and legitimate Europeans. To be a legitimate European, your country must be on the euro, you must love football, and you must be able to sing the lyrics of at least one Eurovision winner.
7. Short shorts. Unless you have the body of Jessica Simpson or a skinny ten year old, these will look bad on you.
8. Bikinis in places there are no bodies of water. There is no reason to wear a bikini whilst grocery shopping. It distracts the teenage boys at the checkout counter and slows things down. Oh, and I bet some moms don’t want their young daughters seeing women prance around in tiny clothing. One live-action Bratz movie was enough.
9. Guys who pointlessly go shirtless. Last week I saw a guy running through Dupont Circle sans shirt. It must have been barely 80 degrees. I don’t care how banging your body is, save it for the pool, beach, bedroom or frat house.
10. Farmer tans. ‘Nuff said.
11. Flag print bikinis. I’m pretty positive Betsey Ross didn’t sew that first flag so you could copy the image on spandex and wear it across your chest and crotch with a lovely assortment of glitter, sequins, and string bejeweling it.
12. Lastly, something a certain Oregonian mentioned seeing to me, even before Memorial Day- white pants with improper undergarmets. The look this creates is just HEINOUS.