Memyselfandhi.

About all things awesome.

The paler, the better. November 21, 2008

Filed under: I thee covet — mallori612 @ 9:06 pm

Everyone who knows me, knows I have a “type.”  I’m not into big, ripped guys or conventionally “hot” guys.  I am into tall, fair-skinned (some might say pale), dorky boys.  Not all-out dorks; I am not talking about Trekkies or World of Warcraft enthusiasts, just guys that think a lot, read a lot, etc… Intellectual, per say.  Anyway, someone asked me recently who is my biggest celebrity crush, and I thought I’d share. 

…..drumroll…..

 

nate-silver-prospectus-na05-wide-horizontal

 

Nate Silver, obvs!  He is tall, pale, thin and very dorky.  All those numbers! Plus, he cares about baseball and politics!  He is my soulmate.  Him, or umm, Ben Roethlisberger.

 

Epic Failures November 18, 2008

Filed under: News — mallori612 @ 7:40 pm

A group of fourth graders in the U.K. recently went on a field trip to the local Sainsbury’s grocery store.  The store manager handed out books to the children called “How to Change the World With a Fiver,” which taught how to live eco-consciously whilst having fun.  Sounds harmless, right?  WRONG.

In one chapter, the book advised readers to save water by bathing with others.  Here is the illustration from the book, complete with the text “Save water. Have fun. Just Get out before everything becomes wrinkled.”

inappropriate204

 

Other suggestions included to shave “intimate places” to keep hygienic; and to meet future bathing partners by talking to strangers and giving them your number. 

 

Sure, this is a huge FAIL on the part of the store manager… but it should ultimately be blamed on the teachers for taking their students to a Sainsbury’s for a field trip.  A grocery store, really?  That is one of the worst field trips ever.  Well, I guess there’s nothing else to see…nothing of any cultural or historical importance, being that it is England and all….

 

I’m Mr. Green Christmas; I’m Mr. 101….

Filed under: Rants — mallori612 @ 7:23 pm

Lots of people like the winter.  They think snow is pretty; outdoor winter activities are fun, and wearing a scarf is lovely.  I do not agree.  Snow, to me, is just a reminder that I hate Canada.  Skiing, snowboarding and ice skating are just reminders that I am not athletically inclined.  I do enjoy pretty scarves, but they are merely a reminder of how freezing I am.  These reasons, among others, are why I am cranky in the winter, and you, dear loyal reader(s) should know this in advance.

heatmiser

 

How to Lose Your Dignity: Jarred Cheese

Filed under: Booze,People Mallori Hates,Rants — mallori612 @ 7:13 pm

I am a healthy eater.  I dislike sweets, and cook meals full of proteins and veggies.  Workplace snacks usually consist of 100-calorie bags of popcorn, and if I’m hungry post-dinner, I eat some cheese and crackers.  I don’t do fast food and I rarely drink soda.  Once in a while, I indulge in something particularly unhealthy but I always manage to keep it to a minimum.  Unless I am drunk, because then I am helpless.

tostitosqueso1I think there is a sliding scale of acceptable drunk snacking.  It depends largely upon the amount of drunkeness, and the surroundings.  Tipsy and at home is safe, because usually it just means I’m too lazy to put something together and I end up with crackers and water.  Slightly drunk and out is not so bad because it means pretzels at the store, or most often, planning what to snack on in the cab ride home and talking myself into just going to bed.  Absolutely hammered and home just means I’m going to pass out with some water and Advil; or maybe if I’m committed, I’ll warm up a couple pizza bagels or the frozen mac & cheese that has been in my freezer for 6 months.  Still, though, not too bad.  But then there are the times when I’m out and somehow or another, I’ve gotten ridiculously wasted. 

When this happens, all I want is chips and dip.  It is a mission.  In Chicago, I verbally (and almost physically) accosted a convenience store cashier at 2am because of the store’s lack of dip.  Chips and dip are a package.  Stores should not be allowed to carry one without the other.  It is rude and disrespectful to me, and dip producers when stores only carry chips.  CVS does this, and I always forget until I am drunk-eyed, pacing the aisles looking for some french-onion or ranch to complement my Munchos (mmm..they taste like delicious, salty, greasy styrofoam). 

After I go through the denial phase at the store, I move on to acceptance and try to find an adequate alternative.  I always settle on tortilla chips and Tortilla’s queso in a jar and it is quite the opposite of a good idea.  It is disgusting; and everytime I eat it, the next morning has me awakened with a gross feeling in my stomach and the knowledge that I probably took a month off of my life with every scoop of queso.  For the following 2 months after the queso, everytime I see neon orange, I will get pangs of guilt and disgust, leading me to hate myself and the Tostito’s company, and all that anger can never be good.

 

Wedding Music November 5, 2008

Filed under: Rants — mallori612 @ 10:15 pm

theloveboats1v1My mom is getting married to Stan on a cruise over New Year’s.  I’m happy because they’ve been together for ages and it’s about time they just make the thing legit (except in the eyes of my Catholic church, of course).  At first I was pumped, because they enjoy cruising so it makes sense, plus I get a free vacation to the Bahamas in the winter.  But now I’ve been tapped to help in the planning, and if there’s anything harder than trying to help plan a wedding for someone who lives 3 hours away, it’s helping plan a wedding that is taking place on a ship thousands of miles away with a person who lives 3 hours away. 

 

There’s all these excess things to do… like finding silk flowers because you can’t bring living plants on a ship and figuring out how to do the whole can’t-see-the-bride-before-the-wedding when everyone has to board the ship at the same time.  But my latest task is the music.  Apparently it is kind of a BYO thing.  My mom, of course, freaked out because she has no idea how to put together a playlist or even what songs to play.  My sister, Demon Child, was supposed to help but because she is a Demon, she flaked.  So, it’s my job now… which is fine… except I’m lost.

 

The hardest part about this playlist is that the number of people at the wedding is really small- like 20 or 25.  Therefore, the normal dance songs might not work because of a lack of crowd.  And forget about slow songs- I have no date, and a lot of guests don’t either so there would be a lot of awkward swaying and nobody wants that.  Then, there’s dinner music problems: we have no idea how long dinner will last, what it will be, or what the setup will be in the room.

 

So, if anyone out there has any suggestions, please let me know.  The only thing I have so far is a Britney Spears medley, some Earth Wind & Fire and the song “Rock the Boat.”

 

I Give the Election 5 More of My Sentences, and THAT IS IT.

Filed under: DC,News — mallori612 @ 9:56 pm

Obama 2008Obama won last night by a landslide.  Do you know what this means? IT IS OVER. This 2-year bitchy, whingy, slapfest we call an election is finally done with, and I, for one, could not be happier.  Now we can move on to more important things, like actual policy formation and trying to get this country the hell out of economic ruin and war.

 

What’s Worse- the Content or the Grammar? November 3, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — mallori612 @ 8:32 pm

“And there must be something about San Francisco and he because it’s like I heard on Fox News today, it’s like a truth serum where when he’s there, he seems to be more candid, and remember it was there that he talked about, there you go, the bitter clingers, the cling-ons, all of us, I guess, you know holding on to religion and guns and, um, so something about he being there in San Francisco.”