About all things awesome.

Dear Midwest, Thanks. Love, Mallori. August 27, 2008

Filed under: Booze,Odes — mallori612 @ 12:25 am

This past weekend, I visited the Midwest for the first time, ever.  I had an absolutely wonderful time, and believe it is only fitting for me to share some important points:

  • The Stanley cup stalked us on Friday.  It was there as we watched the Nats beat the Cubs at Wrigley during the day.  It was there as we watched the Eddie Vedder concert on Friday night.  Everywhere.
  • People in Chicago, as a whole, are extremely nice but not very attractive.  Sorry.
  • Friday evening, Audra and I got into a cab with a strange man because we couldn’t find one of our own.  We had no idea that this would lead to drinking Grey Goose and Champagne with orthopedic surgeons for NHL teams.  The booze was served ON FIRE by girls who wore underwear, belts, wifebeaters and furry boots. 
  • We stayed in what can only be described as Barbie’s Chicago Penthouse Dreamhouse.
  • I touched Sue the T-Rex’s tooth and then watched Audra gasp at the Magnum Paperweight.
  • When someone asks “say the first thing you think of” Audra says “Oregon Trail.”
  • I spill cheese on carpet when drunk.
  • Drag bars in Chicago are fun.
  • Taking the El from the airport ranks as one of my stupidest decisions of 2008.
  • Milwaukee is awesome, and has fantastic shopping.

Covet of the day… August 26, 2008

Filed under: I thee covet — K @ 7:38 pm
Tags: ,

This awesome shirt comes from and I covet it.


More Deep Thoughts by Karl August 25, 2008

Filed under: Karl Lagerfeld — K @ 8:47 pm
Tags: , ,

Nymag ran this Karl update today about Karl’s profile in this past week’s Times’ Sunday magazine (which I missed, boo).

Things we learned from this article:

1. Karl buys his shoes a size too small cause he likes how it feels.

2. Karl doesn’t like stupid and/or smelly people: “Yesterday [at the Chanel couture show] I had a problem. I said, ‘I’m sorry, you’ve got to tell this woman that she needs to be taken away. Her smell is not possible.’”

3. Karl would never, ever, live in a dormitory with other people.

4. Karl lives in the here and now: “The worst thing is when friends say, ‘Remember the good old days?’ Forget about the good old days! That just makes your present second-hand. What is interesting is now. If you think it was better before, then you might as well commit suicide immediately.”

5. Karl is grumpy at himself: “I’m in a permanent bad mood with myself, thinking I could always do better, that there is more. It’s like there is this glass wall, and I can’t get through to the other side.”

6. Karl does not fear death: “If you ask me, death and deep sleep are the same thing.”

If Karl doesn’t fear death, neither do I…


Berry Update: Miracle Connect Sucks, Sort of August 13, 2008

Filed under: Rants — K @ 3:53 pm
Tags: , , ,

This past week, while I was busy driving cross-country with friends, a major breakthrough in the miracle berry mystery occurred: Miracle Connect sent a mass email to everyone who bought and PAID for berries from their “company” without receiving them. The response: overwhelming.

Let me preface this story by giving a recap of my long, “fruitless” quest for magic berries:

June 5th: Read articles in Times and on and subsequently place an order for 6 miracle berries from (and pay for them on PayPal).

June 17th: Berry Sad, thinking my experiment will have to be put on hold.

June 20th: Berry Update 1: Seems that Miracle Connect got “slightly backed up” but the berries are coming soon, according to a tip from Erica. Berry Update 2: Neel emails me to confirm that my berries will arrive in 2 weeks: “They are coming! It’ll probably be two weeks–we’re still really backlogged.”

July 8th: Where for art thou magic berries? Starting to get annoyed, and also pissed. No new updates, beginning to think I have been scammed by Miracle Connect.

July 14th: Send email to Neel Shah asking for an update on whether the berries are still coming or not.

July 18th: Forge on in the quest for magic berries, still maintaining a small semblance of hope that the berries will come, though have heard nothing from Miracle Connect. Commenters on confirm that I am not the only one who is yet to receive my berries.

July 31st: Pissed off, angry and annoyed, I email Neel Shah again (who still has not responded to my last email) demanding a refund. Later that day, receive an apologetic email from Neel, reading:

I’m so, so sorry for the delay. This isn’t really an excuse, I know, but my mom passed away earlier this month and our entire operation has been put on hold right now.
Here’s where we are at: fresh berries are still weeks away (seriously.) We have tablets, though. They work the same way–better, actually, since you don’t actually have to keep them cold and eat them in a few days. We are offering 10 tabs for every six berries that were purchased.
If not, we will issue you a refund immediately. let me know, and again, I’m really sorry. I know how annoying this probably is.

Respond to Neel saying that yes, I’d like a refund and say that I am sorry about his mom. Am unsure whether his mom really died or not.

August 8th: Receive the below email from Miracle Connect (email includes the email addresses of all of the others who have bought berries from MC – well over 100 people. Maybe even more like 2-300, but am too lazy to count) The email reads:

Hi Miracle Connect Customer,

First and foremost, we’d like to apologize for the delay. The deluge of orders we received after Miracle Berries were written up in the New York Times far outstripped our capacity to provide them. (Our growers in Florida literally sold out of berries and now have waiting lists in excess of three months; buying more trees became impossible since they take years to mature.)

Rather than drag this out any longer, we’ve come up with a solution: we will send you (via mail) 10 Miracle Berry tablets for every 6 Miracle Fruits you ordered. The tablets work the same way, and last the same amount of time, with the added bonus that they don’t need to be preserved in the fridge. (They’re good for up to a month.) Each tablet is made from three actual Miracle Berries and, of course, makes things taste sweet.

If you’d like the tablets, just email with your current address. (You may have changed your address, so this makes things easier.) If instead you’d like a refund, simply email us with REFUND in the
subject line. To those of you who have already gotten your berries, or gotten a refund, sorry for the email.

Again, sorry for the long delay and the inconvenience. But we’re excited to have a great solution.


August 8th/9th: Receive several pissed off reply-all’s to Miracle Connect’s email. Am delighted that others share my vexation. People complain about others replying all, others in turn make fun of those who have complained. One dude contacted the NYPD and Attorney General (fucking badass, and I like it). One chick responds, pointing out that Miracle Connect’s offer of tablets is actually unfair: she ordered 6 fruits (like me) and paid $45 dollars or so with shipping.MC is offering 10 tablets in return but anyone can buy 10 tablets for $11.99 + $3.00 shipping on a ton of websites.

August 11th: NyMag directs me to a blog which expresses the same frustrations with Miracle Connect.

Conclusion: Though I emailed to ask for a refund on July 12th, I never received one. I emailed again to ask for one and hopefully they’ll get their shit together and issue it soon. In the meantime, I ordered the tablets from another site, and received them. I’m going to try them this coming weekend.

But the question still remains: what about Miracle Connect? A commenter (and small business owner) on defended MC, saying that they probably were unprepared for the press they received (duh). But here is the problem: even if they were unprepared (and had personal things going on), is that really an excuse for a complete lack of communication to the MANY people who PAID them for berries they never received? I really don’t think so. This is the real world, and Miracle Connect received REAL money from customers who they chose to ignore for months. Ultimately, even their final effort to reach out to us and offer of tablets was both flawed and a disappointment. I guess only time will tell if Miracle Connect will face any real repercussions other than pissy emails…