About all things awesome.

Happy Anniversary, War of 1812! June 18, 2008

Filed under: Rants — mallori612 @ 8:59 pm

Today is the anniversary of the beginning of the War of 1812.  This seems like the perfect time for a history lesson, right?


So, the War of 1812 started because the Brits were being fuckers, like usual.  Napolean was pissing them off and they just took all their anger out on the U.S.  They wouldn’t let us trade with France, which was annoying, because France needed shit and had money and we had shit and needed money.  The big issue though was that the Brits kept stealing our sailors.  They did not recognize U.S. naturalization so they kept capturing sailors that had been born in the U.K., or in the U.S. before the Revolutionary War; or had at one point served in the Royal Navy.  Then that led to sailors forging birth documents, so the Brits just said “fuck it” and captured whoever, whenever.  Oh, and some people out in the West were pissed because the Brits kept arming the Native Americans. 

Then the war happened; it was costing a lot of money and neither side really cared anymore so the Treaty of Ghent was signed in 1814.  Nobody on this side of the Atlantic had a working internet connection or phone so it took until a couple battles later for everyone to figure it out and stop the violence.  The end.


Seems simple enough, right?  Well a couple years ago I realized that in the U.K. and Canada, they have totes different takes on it.  Por ejemplo, the Brits think they won the war.  This is obviously not the case.  They gained no territory at all; they stopped stealing our sailors and banning us from trade; and they quit arming the Injuns.  Sure, they lost no territory either, but I don’t consider that winning, you know?

The Canadians are the MOST annoying about this whole thing.  They seem to think it was them who fought the war, not the British.  I get it- the troops came from Canada and most of the war was fought there.  But, umm, they were a British colony and British Navy and soldiers, and it was all paid for by the Brits.  My Canadian ex-bf was really proud that the “Canadians” burnt down DC.. not only was he totally wrong, but why would someone be proud of burning down a city, killing people and ruining impressive buildings, and on top of that, tell me about it when I lived in that city?  This proves that Canadians are dumb, and could never have mounted a legit war.  Another issue is that the Canadians think that the reason for the war was U.S. expansion into Canada.  After 1940, just about no historian has claimed this to be true, at all.  Invading Canada was a means of waging war, not a reason for starting it.  OF COURSE the U.S. was going to invade Canada- it was a lot easier than invading effing England, especially since they were stealing our sailors.  Oh, and Canada, we didn’t want to invade you then for the same reasons we don’t want to invade you now- Canada is fucking cold and there are French-speaking people causing problems left and right.


The Brits thinking they won is actually okay by me, because everyone knows the Brits are delusional (they still talk about the Empire, seriously).  The Canadian thing is just kind of funny, and ties into my whole Canada-is-the-U.S.’s-dorky-kid-brother philosophy.  They are like the kid brother getting all excited about beating the older bro at a game of hoops, completely disregarding the fact that Dad was on their team, and older bro played solo.  Plus, they didn’t even win anything.  They just kept the land we didn’t want to begin with. 



19 Responses to “Happy Anniversary, War of 1812!”

  1. jon Says:

    Y’know, I was going to respond, but you’re no history major. It would be lost on you. Idiot.

  2. mallori612 Says:

    Y’know, First, thank you for responding that you would not respond.
    Second, this is a bit of exaggerated fun, not a history lesson.

    • FlamingDuck Says:

      wow, you Americans sure are dumbshits thinking that the brits started the war and that you won it. No one won, fagots. Madison wanted to start the war because the brits were blockading your harbors to prevent you from trading with Napoleon. And guess what all of Congress voted no for the war but dipshit Madison declared war anyway. Plus the Canadians/Brits owned you , we burnt down Washington and captured Detroit while all you managed to do was burn down Toronto and protect New Orleans and Baltimore. Plus guess what if it weren’t for us bombarding the shit out of you wouldn’t have an anthem. I’m 13 and I know this crap.

  3. John Says:

    I think it’s great that you want to write about the War of 1812. Write a formal paper not one with gutter language.

  4. john auger Says:

    as a brit i had never taken much notice of this MINOR war, however i dont think any one won as at the treaty of ghent both sides agreed to return to the pre-war positions, America did not gain Canada Britain did not lose anything but i do sympathise with you, it must be hard for you, after all every war america has fought on its own it has managed to lose, except for stealing land from the Mexicans (Texas, New Mexico, California etc) and from Spain (Cuba) The Philipines, where freed by the Brits in 1812 as Spain was an ally of Napolean and was given to the USA to administer after the USA promised to respect philipines independance, which they did after 150 years, pick up a history book and READ IT.

  5. historyinthebuff Says:

    Dear mallori612,
    I know I’m late to the party, but I just read your article. I think I am in love with you. I like your complete and concise style of history. I appreciate that you can take a formal topic and speak of facts in your “gutter language”. I want to read more about you. Except for the fact that I’m happily married with kids and have no urge to cheat on my wife. Which, by the way, if we ever did she would totally kick your ass. That’s why I love her.

    Seriously, Canada, nobody was trying to win you. All you have is the national sport of Lacrosse and … umm … nope that’s it.

  6. isiansum Says:

    the U.S. did really win, no it wasn’t big, but i have to compleatly agree with this guy. so wat if he cussed a bit. it helps the learning proses. teachers should try it.

  7. isiansum Says:

    and, cnada doesn’t even have lacros. us is taking that right now. they do have snow. but so does the us. ya, they don’t have anything. srry canada (not really srry)

    • greatcanadian Says:

      Your views and your spelling are typical american, ignorant, illiterate and with out basis of fact. Next time you think to make a comment you have absolutely no knowledge about, look around your back wards life, bend over and stick your head back up your ass, because obviously you don’t bring it out very often.

      • isiansum Says:

        so i take it your canadian? why do you think you won the war anyway? what’s going up in that canadian head of yours?

  8. Cayte Says:

    haha this is funny, i hope you’re joking, because the main reason the war began was because the Brits were busy dealing with Napoleon and America was being typically expansionist and decided to attempt an invasion (as they put it, taking BNA would be “a Mere Matter of Marching”). They did not succeed in this, so therefore did not win the war. Impressment and the arming of Aboriginals (which, by the way, would not have been neccessary if the states (W.H.Harrison, for instance) would have stopped stealing their land) were relatively minor causes in relation to the entire manifest destiny aspect :p

  9. Ryan Says:

    I love the “France needed shit and had money and we had shit and needed money.” That’s awesome, hell this whole thing was awesome.

    It’s funny because the only reason I was searching for the War of 1812 was because some Canadian was fighting with me on this topic. And like you said, they think they won. Being from Baltimore, MD (where Ft. McHenry is) we of course know that the Americans won. The Brits didn’t gain anything in the treaty, so they lost.

  10. canadarules Says:

    hey hey so americans are dumb
    canada didnt win but came out on top we once owned detroit and burned down the white house. you owned what in the war? a lake? haha
    also your national anthem was writen by a prisoner of war who watched the british canadians rape you guys with rockets hahahaha

  11. Randy Says:

    Who ever wrote this article is way off on they’re history, I’ve been studying military history for 10 years, and you make a complete mochary of the people that gave they’re lives fighting in the War of 1812. Get your facts straight before writing articles you know nothing about. The British didn’t even start the war, the American’s started the war. It’s in every text book!

  12. Randy Says:

    If the US won, why is Canada still a nation?

  13. cbar Says:

    nobody won

  14. gypc Says:

    The canadians posting here are morons….”Brithish Canadians” good one…
    “we burned D.C” another good one…. Were we at war with Canada or GB?
    Just know this all you morons out there….for all your criticizim of America, it has brought this world to where it is today as far as technology is concerned….if it weren’t for American idiots you’d still be riding horseback and cooking over wood stoves….

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