About all things awesome.

He’s back! April 29, 2008

Filed under: I heart Shelley Duncan — mallori612 @ 3:07 pm

On Saturday, Joe Girardi answered my prayers and Shelley Duncan was brought up from Scranton.  Finally! 

Upon the best decision Girardi has made in weeks, he said, “We like the energy Shelley brings to the club. “It’s good to see him back. He has the ability to bring a spark. We’re a high-energy team anyway, but he brings more. He’s like one of those little kids you let run around outside so that you can get him to sleep later.”

I love the Yankees; really I do.  But in no way are they a “high-energy team.”  Other than the pitchers, the team is old.  Melky and Cano are young, sure, but I don’t think you can call a team “high energy” if there’s hardly any base stealers. 

Oh, and Joe- if you need any help getting Shelley Duncan to bed, just give me a call, mmkay?  I’ll find some better ways to wear him out than having him “run around outside.”  That’s a promise.


GG’s Return: Why, Jenny? Why?! April 22, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — K @ 8:32 pm

Well, GG finally came back to us last night. And you know what? It was everything we had hoped it would be…and more. Where to begin, where to begin? Since summarizing the show seems stupid, I’ll approach the show with my top ten list of notable aspects of last night’s show.

  1. Increased presence of sexual remarks/innuendos.Get that dirty thing off the table” – Mrs. VDW. “If I had a penny for every time someone said to me” – Chuck. Me likey!
  2. Lack of that Asian chick. Was her name Isabelle? Blair said she moved to Israel or some shit. Whatever…I miss her large hats. I wonder if Leighton really did make her leave or she wanted to pursue an education for real (doubtful…I call bullshit)?
  3. Serena’s bro Eric has new hair (and likes dudes). His hair is less streaky-highlighty than before Also, he seems to sneak off into the city doing God knows what? But I know…he’s at gay bars getting his groove on with some hot dudes.
  4. Chuck Bass can wear up to 4 Polo shirts at the same time. I thought three was a lot…but I thought wrong.
  5. Jenny’s a huge bitch. Yogurt-flicking? I mean, come on now. That is so kindergarten. And please, bitch should know better than to go for the hair.
  6. Blair’s nightmare sequence? My real-life nightmare. Please go away old-movie inspired dream sequences. I want more Dan-Serena action.
  7. The “mignon” girls suck at acting. They do, however, redeem themselves via their wardrobes so I look forward to seeing more of them. Was that Latino chick in the show before they kicked out the Asian? Or did they decide to switch ethnicities of the head mignon bitch?
  8. Blair is still a bitch. A bitch who wears her school uniform to parties. Or was that just a school uniform-inspired ensemble with the blazer and tie at Jenny’s surprise party? Either way, I disapprove of her tie, but like her continued bitchiness.
  9. Are you serious with stealing that red Valentino, Jenny? You dumb, dumb whore. Couldn’t you see that it was CUSTOM MADE? Why are there no consequences for your foolish actions? Why?
  10. Nate/Jenny have sexual tension and so do Blair and Mr. Humphrey. What was up with Jenny asking Nate to borrow $8,000? I’m not exactly a pro, but that’s not my idea of flirting. Maybe she was just pulling the “desperately poor, mysteriously in trouble” card. Also, I would LOVE to see a Blair/Mr. Humphrey hookup. Can you say DILF?

Here’s a juicy little clip of Jenny “flirting” (?) with Nate.


All She Wants to Do is Dance!

Filed under: DC — mallori612 @ 6:57 pm

The libertarians are furious!  On Saturday night, about 20 dorks gathered around the Jefferson Memorial to take part in a silent rave in celebration of Thomas Jefferson’s birthday.  Head phones on, they started dancing around the memorial, just doing their thing.  Then, the police came and arrested one of them, quelling the dancing.  

I don’t get it.  Sure, it’s weird and silly, but they certainly weren’t doing anything wrong.  The Memorial is open 24 hours a day, and they were just dancing silently.  Of course the irony is that they were celebrating Jefferson, the most anti-authoritarian of the Founding Fathers, whose ideas were inspired by state abuse of personal liberty. 


Hiding the Crazy April 21, 2008

Filed under: Rants — mallori612 @ 4:49 pm

All girls are a little bit crazy.  I consider myself to be a pretty normal person- sure I can be awkward, a little self-involved and too random for my own good, but generally I think I’m pretty normal.  I think things out, make rational decisions, etc.  But really, lurking under the surface is a bit of crazy.  Not a lot, but the crazy that most chicks have – the crazy that turns up when you start liking a guy.

The beginning of dating a person is all about hiding the crazy.  You want to seem chill, and cool, and like everything is fun but not really a big deal.  But IT IS.  You say to your friends, “if he calls, that’s great, but if not, no worries.”  Meanwhile, you check your Palm Centro for a text message every 5 minutes.   Then you think (or blog) about how you’ve been behaving, and you realize, “Fuck. I am that girl.”  I am the girl that went on a seriously epic first date but still needs validation that the guy is into me.  I am the girl that has stalked facebook and google.  That girl is me.  I must embrace that.  But Lord knows I’m not going to let other people know.. so the crazy hiding starts. 

 And if you can be successful at hiding the crazy, good things can happen.  It will turn into love.  And love, as Jenna put it so succinctly on 30 Rock, “is totally hiding who you are, even while you sleep–and wearing make-up to bed, and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop.”







Love Letter April 16, 2008

Filed under: I heart Shelley Duncan — mallori612 @ 4:42 pm

Ahh, Shelley Duncan.  You were demoted through no fault of your own.  Shelley, baby, I was afraid you’d get sad.  I was afraid Girardi had seen something that made him think your awesome playing was just a fluke.  But no.  You are still the upbeat, motivated, pumped-up cheerleader I’ve grown to love.  And, now through 6 games with Scranton, I know that your bat is still awesome.  11 for 26 with 5 doubles, 3 homers, 7 RBIs?  That’s just sick.  Oh Shelley honey, you DESERVE to be in NY.  You do.  Girardi knows it; he said he couldn’t help demoting you to make room on the roster because it’s “a little funky right now.” 

Shelley, you’re a great asset to a team- strong bat, can play a range of positions, and fires up the clubhouse.  That’s part of why I love you.  But I’m afraid there’s not enough of a place for you on the Yanks and you’ll be traded.  Other teams are going to want you more and more.  And then, yes sweetheart, I will be happy for you because you’ll get into the Majors and have a consistent roster spot.  But baby, I will miss you.  I just wanted you to know… I want to be Slammed by Duncan.



The Game of Love April 15, 2008

Filed under: Treasures of Craigslist — mallori612 @ 7:29 pm

The following is a wonderful Craigslist missed connection.  It teaches us many things: romance is not dead; there’s someone for everyone; geeky guys can be adorable; a good pun is just good fun.

Dearest GameStop Girl,

When I walked into your store that fateful Tuesday, I expected only to find a smattering of half-decent titles tucked back there amongst the used 360 games. Instead I found you, surrounded by a beam of light, halfway between Assassin’s Creed and Call of Duty 3. Your gorgeous dark hair was radiant in contrast with the rainbow of colors on the deluxe Bioshock behind you. The Game of the Year held no interest for me when I saw you look up and smile, even though both could hold me in Rapture.

You commanded the register when it was my turn to check out with the Orange Box. Yes, I was finally getting to play Portal. Lucky me, you said with the cutest smile. Lucky me, I thought, and then knew you had the Portal to my heart. I could care less if the cake is a lie, I’d still want to share it with you.

Oh GameStop Girl, how you make my heart meter skip a beat. If you were being held captive in a mountain fortress by a ruthless mutant mafia gangboss and I had to fight my way through 16 levels of fire-breathing undead ninjas with swords the size of small ponies, I would find a way, even if, after every level, a small man continued to taunt me by saying that you were in another castle. EVEN IF.

So, yes, GameStop Girl, I want to kill robotic zombie terrorists with you. You can even have the deluxe shotgun with explosive scattershot. I’ll just use this knife over here. I’ll do anything for you, just for the small, slightest chance that someday – someday – you and me could be a Wii.


Demystifying the man, the legend: Karl Lagerfeld April 14, 2008

Filed under: Fashion,Karl Lagerfeld,NYC — K @ 8:19 pm
Tags: , ,

If you know anything about fashion, or maybe if you just happen to be a connoisseur of humorous quotations, you’ve probably run across Karl Lagerfeld’s name more than once. And you’ve probably asked yourself, “who is this man? where does he come from, and why does he matter?” Well, let me tell you…he matters. In my humble opinion, it would not be an overestimation to deem Karl Lagerfeld (aka K to the L, the Lag, BMOC) “the single most important man of our generation”. So, it is with great pride that I announce to you, the world, my obsession with Karl Lagerfeld: a man whose talent, wisdom and overall greatness know no bounds.

A brief bio, photos and key quotations after the jump.

Who is KL?:

Largely due to a recent Jezebel article, I have become obsessed with the Lag. Although i like clothes, my love of fashion is restricted due to my relative poverty. As a result, my wardrobe is comprised largely of the following: 1/3: Bloomingdale’s, 1/3 Banana Republic, 1/3 Forever 21. Sad, but true. Still, I can admire fashion from afar and know enough that Karl Lagerfeld is a legend in the world of high-fashion (as Ty Ty would say). So, we get it: KL is a fashion legend. What else is he? A man of infinite wisdom…a man who does whatever the fuck he wants whenever he wants. A man who hates being touched, despises children, pities fat people and thinks the 90’s were boring. A man…who has a MOTHERFUCKING diet coke butler!

Wikipedia gives a decent condensed version of why he matters: “Karl Lagerfeld (born Karl Otto Lagerfeldt on September 10, 1933) is widely recognized as one of the most influential fashion designers of the late 20th century. He has collaborated with a variety of different fashion labels, most notably Chanel but also Chloé and Fendi. Furthermore, he owns several labels, which he launched in the early 1980s, in various industries including perfume and clothing.”

Little Known facts about KL:

  • “Lagerfeld is also famous for a dramatic transformation of his body, when he lost 42 kg (roughly 92.6 pounds) in 13 months. ‘I suddenly wanted to dress differently, to wear clothes designed by Hedi Slimane,” he said. “But these fashions, modeled by very, very slim boys—and not men my age—required me to lose at least 40 kg. It took me exactly thirteen months.’ The diet was created specially for Lagerfeld by Dr. Jean-Claude Houdret, which led to a book called The Karl Lagerfeld Diet.
  • Lagerfeld converted his 60,000 CD collection onto his arsenal of Ipods. As of December 2004, he owned roughly 70 iPods, scattered around the globe in his various residences.
  • Karl Lagerfeld is “Asexual”.

What are his most significant quotations?:

  • “If you attach no importance to weight problems, if not being able to wear new, trendy small-sized clothes does not cause you any regret, this book is not for you,” – foreword of his 2002 book, “The Karl Lagerfeld Diet”
  • That’s the last thing I want. I hate all children. For other people, it’s fine, but not for me. I was born not to be a family person”
  • “I live in certain isolation. I never take appointments in the morning. I leave my house only after lunch. I don’t want to have a social life. I’ve had enough of that in my life. It’s demode. It’s another era. Perhaps people are still excited by that era, but not me. It’s uninteresting today. It says nothing. It’s boring, pretentious and vulgar.”
  • “Even for charity, people get paid. I try to avoid charity. It doesn’t happen for me. I’m rich enough not to have to do that. Thank God I don’t have to do that. I do a lot of unnecessary things for free, but I’m very much against that. Money itself isn’t interesting, the use of it is.”
  • “Also I cannot go on airlines because people stare at me, you have to be touched by people. I hate that…I hate bespoke because I hate to be touched by strangers. It bores me to death.”
  • “I’m a computer by myself. I have a memory also for unnecessary things. Telephone numbers are a problem, but historical details are not.”