How to Lose Your Dignity: Jarred Cheese November 18, 2008

I am a healthy eater.  I dislike sweets, and cook meals full of proteins and veggies.  Workplace snacks usually consist of 100-calorie bags of popcorn, and if I’m hungry post-dinner, I eat some cheese and crackers.  I don’t do fast food and I rarely drink soda.  Once in a while, I indulge in something particularly unhealthy but I always manage to keep it to a minimum.  Unless I am drunk, because then I am helpless.

I think there is a sliding scale of acceptable drunk snacking.  It depends largely upon the amount of drunkeness, and the surroundings.  Tipsy and at home is safe, because usually it just means I’m too lazy to put something together and I end up with crackers and water.  Slightly drunk and out is not so bad because it means pretzels at the store, or most often, planning what to snack on in the cab ride home and talking myself into just going to bed.  Absolutely hammered and home just means I’m going to pass out with some water and Advil; or maybe if I’m committed, I’ll warm up a couple pizza bagels or the frozen mac & cheese that has been in my freezer for 6 months.  Still, though, not too bad.  But then there are the times when I’m out and somehow or another, I’ve gotten ridiculously wasted. 

When this happens, all I want is chips and dip.  It is a mission.  In Chicago, I verbally (and almost physically) accosted a convenience store cashier at 2am because of the store’s lack of dip.  Chips and dip are a package.  Stores should not be allowed to carry one without the other.  It is rude and disrespectful to me, and dip producers when stores only carry chips.  CVS does this, and I always forget until I am drunk-eyed, pacing the aisles looking for some french-onion or ranch to complement my Munchos (mmm..they taste like delicious, salty, greasy styrofoam). 

After I go through the denial phase at the store, I move on to acceptance and try to find an adequate alternative.  I always settle on tortilla chips and Tortilla’s queso in a jar and it is quite the opposite of a good idea.  It is disgusting; and everytime I eat it, the next morning has me awakened with a gross feeling in my stomach and the knowledge that I probably took a month off of my life with every scoop of queso.  For the following 2 months after the queso, everytime I see neon orange, I will get pangs of guilt and disgust, leading me to hate myself and the Tostito’s company, and all that anger can never be good.

Dear Midwest, Thanks. Love, Mallori. August 27, 2008

This past weekend, I visited the Midwest for the first time, ever.  I had an absolutely wonderful time, and believe it is only fitting for me to share some important points:

• The Stanley cup stalked us on Friday.  It was there as we watched the Nats beat the Cubs at Wrigley during the day.  It was there as we watched the Eddie Vedder concert on Friday night.  Everywhere.
• People in Chicago, as a whole, are extremely nice but not very attractive.  Sorry.
• Friday evening, Audra and I got into a cab with a strange man because we couldn’t find one of our own.  We had no idea that this would lead to drinking Grey Goose and Champagne with orthopedic surgeons for NHL teams.  The booze was served ON FIRE by girls who wore underwear, belts, wifebeaters and furry boots. 
• We stayed in what can only be described as Barbie’s Chicago Penthouse Dreamhouse.
• I touched Sue the T-Rex’s tooth and then watched Audra gasp at the Magnum Paperweight.
• When someone asks “say the first thing you think of” Audra says “Oregon Trail.”
• I spill cheese on carpet when drunk.
• Drag bars in Chicago are fun.
• Taking the El from the airport ranks as one of my stupidest decisions of 2008.
• Milwaukee is awesome, and has fantastic shopping.

Party Fouling: How to Cope July 29, 2008

We’ve all been there: standing at a party in a group of friends, laughing, drinking, maybe even telling a story…when suddenly something happens that for a brief second, suspends time: someone committs a party foul. They drop a glass, break a chair, fall down a flight of stairs. They spill red wine on a white couch, put on a terrible song, or perhaps even slap a member of the opposite sex. Time stops. And you, an amused bystander, can only turn back to your friends, breathe a sigh of relief that you were not the offender, and say “sucks to be them” or maybe yell “speeeeech”. Later, after the party, you will likely recall the party foul and drunkenly relive the details, exagerrating the severity of the offense with phrases like “man you should’ve seen it” and “you don’t even know man, you don’t even know”.

We’ve all beared witness to many a party foul in our day. But how do you cope when (GASP) you are the one to stop time…you are the committer of THE party foul? Well, friends, after being the offender last weekend (couch cough, breaking a sculpture at an art opening), I have come up with a few methods of coping:

1. Run out of the room and seek solace in the darkness and anonymity of nature
2. Cry as to appear regretful and ashamed, thus garnering sympathy from both onlookers and those whom you have directly impacted with your offense
3. Turn to the bottle, drinking to forget the events that have just caused you great embarassment
4. If you break something, vehemtly insist upon paying (only later to purposefully neglect to leave both money and your contact information)
5. Make an impromptu and clever speech, preferably with some sort of quip poking fun at self that instantly sends party to uprorious laughter (note: only attempt if you posess some semblance of a good sense of humor)

Urban winery in nyc? Finery by me. April 11, 2008

Today, the New York Post ran a story about an urban winery coming to Red Hook. Abe Schoener plans to open his urban winery at the old Beard Street Warehouse, at the end of Van Brunt Street, across the street from Fairway. According to the Post, Schoener will be using grapes from Long Island vineyards for the wine.

Fo riz-eal? A winery in Brooklyn? This rocks. Now, I’ll be able to get hammered off wine and walk to Ikea to nap on a bed that will probably fall apart when I get off.

+ =